Words can't describe the sadness and hopelessness I feel watching Jensynn fight to regulate his emotions, not being able to stop himself once he is angry. I think I have cried not less than 2 times a day over the past week. It's devastating and depressing to see the sweet happy child you once knew slip further and further away. I can't describe how lost I feel, I feel like a piece of me has died or a piece of Jensynn has or the connection a mother feels to her child has..... I can't quite describe the feeling. It feels like Jensynn doesn't feel a connection to to anyone he loves anymore and that, in it's self, has me mourning, it's like the feeling of the death of a loved one.....
We are working with the Butler County Board of Developmental Disabilities, but what good does it do when no one wants to meet during the virus to do something.....Jensynn also has an appointment at Hopebridge for the 12th for an evaluation he will have a new psychological report soon so hopefully it helps. Jensynn has also went off all meds except Guanfacine. He was on prozac as well as Abilify, which the Abilify was starting to make things worse. And the doctor did not want him drugged out on a bunch of meds which of course I never wanted him to even be on anything but sometimes it can't always work that way. I'm worried about his surgery and how things will go while he is in the hospital whether his mood will escalate....
I don't post much about it anymore,or I should say, I try to refrain from posting these feelings anymore because I feel like in doing so, I will be judged in some way, whether it be something about my depression, anxiety/social anxiety or just anything I do in order to try and help Jensynn. I just don't know what to do anymore and I am so tired and exhausted over the constant worry of what will happen to Jensynn.
It is so hard to keep fighting when I, myself , suffer from depression and constant anxiety and by saying that, I don't want anyone to think I want anyone to feel sorry for me or want a "pitty party", I just wish I had the sense of feeling understood and not the feeling of always standing alone or that the way I feel is awkward to everyone around me. It just makes things so much more complicated having chronic depression and trying to take care of myself and on top of it being a mother to a little boy with non-typical needs that also can't take care of himself. But, of course, I will always consider my needs last, that's what a parent does, so, it's always Jensynn first. My mindset all day is focusing on him and what can I do to make it better what did I do wrong and keeping it together and hope I don't scream at him because the stress is so unbearable..... But then that hyper focus on Jensynn also causes me to let others down.
I feel like a rubber band that has been stretched past it's capacity, but like most rubber bands this one doesn't have the elasticity to stretch like all the others. I have always been sensitive to emotions and I get to now feel mine along with everyone elses I.wish many times that I didn't feel so strongly about things...I just wish I didn't feel at all at times. I feel a sense of shame, guilt and sadness when I try to put my feelings out. I have never been shy about posting about depression but that also doesn't mean that I don't feel a sense of shame everytime I do. Hopefully getting out the awful feelings that live inside my head will make me feel better and I hope those who know me don't mind that I do when I feel like my mind is at capacity and can't keep the feelings and sadness in any longer.
